Adrift

[legalmoose]

I think I finally pinned down what it is I’ve been feeling for the past day or so, and that’s lost. Something I considered an anchor (though whether I clung to that anchor for the right reasons is a whole other story) is gone, and I’m doing the usual soul-searching that comes from such an upheaval.

And it’s not particularly fun.

This on the heels of just having had a “what do you want to do with your life” talk with my supervisor, going over advancement possibilities, and thinking about what else I might want to do with my career. I’m fairly happy with my job, though I will admit these days to being somewhat bored with it, too. Same old issues, same old fights, and in some ways a new crew of managers coming in (not in my office, but in others I deal with) who are not quite as pleasant to work with as the ones I deal with daily now. Do I want to stick with that? But what else would I do? So frustrating.

It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. In fact, it’s probably rarely the best solution. I work, maybe I go exercise, I come home, I veg, I maybe chat online, but that’s it. And I don’t think that’s enough for me.

I’m also very seriously reconsidering the IM in November. My parents are iffy, because Dad’s going to have some surgery around then and so they don’t know if they’ll be able to travel out. BC won’t be coming, obviously. And frankly, the idea of going out there for a week and coming across that finish line for something that big with no one there to greet me, celebrate with me, or just to see it happen is just not an appealing one. Yes, I wanted to do it because it’s a challenge, but I’m not sure if I like the cost at this point.

View this post at the Glen.

Comments

[saveferris.livejournal.com]

"It doesn’t help me that I’m horrible at cultivating a support network. I don’t reach out to folks as I might, and I don’t really go outside myself when dealing with a problem (save for venting here). “My problems are my problems,” my little brain says to me, “and they’re for me to deal with, alone, until they’re taken care of.” And that’s not always the best solution. "

This is SO me.

And while I wish I had a pearl of wisdom to share... I do think you should go ahead and do the IM for YOU. If you were doing it for any other reason (or, specifically, the approval of any other person(s)), then maybe it wasn't a good idea to begin with. [/my two cents]

[pylduck.livejournal.com]

*huggles*

[ironmanjt.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure if you're being passive agressive, but I'll remind you you have/have had the perfect offer....

[legalmoose]

Huh? O_o Drop me an email, I'm being dense.

[j-dc.livejournal.com]

since it seems that our friendship appears to be greater online rather then inperson (although the few times we've met, I have enjoyed) please don't think that you are ever alone! I'm one of many friends who are here, in whatever capacity it is, willing and wanting to cheer you on! And if need be, I'll gladly volunteer to be your cheerleader before, during and after your IM competition! Ready with bottles of body glide, nip guards and whatever else you might need!

needs and needing

[grok.livejournal.com]

Life is about getting your needs met. That can be complex.

For me, i struggled with the extrovert nature i have - i thought at first it meant I was outgoing, a leader, mr popularity (and I can be that.) But it also means I draw my energy and motivation from being part of a community - whether it was PMAG, AIDSmarathon or the innumberable organizations I've been a part of over time. I suspect since we are so alike, this may be the case for you.

Yes, your problems are your problems, and it is good that you own them; but you might not benefit from stewing in solitude. Maybe its time to reach out - not for long therapy sessions - but company. Sometimes, in the background, these knots loosen and you find your way.

The only way out is through - but you can't move if your weighed down by frustration and sadness - maybe your motivation and sense of direction will be clearer if you are active and drawing energy and motivation from your best sources.

Re: needs and needing

[legalmoose]

That's pretty much the route my brain was headed. Which is why I may dump the IM - the training can/will get up to almost 18 hours a week, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for socializing.