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legalmoosePRETZEL SALT FOUND IN DASCHLE'S OFFICE
by Steve Young
January 15, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (TNFS/APJ) -- A spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle acknowledged the receipt of an envelope filled with salt, believed to be from a pretzel.
The envelope, addressed to the Senator's office, had a return address from Rold Gold Elementary School in Dutch Pennsylvania.
With no proof the salt actually comes from a pretzel, officials remain on high-alert, taking no chances. Senator Daschle's office will be closed down for the foreseeable future and the White House snack shop will remain off-limits to tourists.
Washington, D.C. post offices will shut down operations and, in a nod to caution, movie theaters throughout the country have discontinued sales of pretzels, popcorn, and other salt-laden foods. An AMC Theater insider said, "We might as well shut down completely. With no popcorn, how are we supposed to get the public to come in and watch the crap we show?"
Meanwhile, there have been reports of numerous pretzel salt hoaxes across the country.
Homeland Defense Chief Tom Ridge said that phony salt, fake pretzels, and other faux crispy snack treat terrorist threats will be handled as if it were an actual snack attack. "There is no difference between a real pretzel stick and one of those large fake rubber Philadelphia soft pretzels that squeak. Well, actually there is a pretty big difference, but there's no doubt you could choke on the fake ones, too."
Amplifying on President Bush's admonition that he should have listened to his mom and chewed before he swallowed, Ridge issued warnings to America "not to run with scissors, swim less than a half hour after eating, or 'do anything' that might create blindness in young boys."
NEXT WEEK'S COLUMN: Frito-Lay, Kenneth Lay...coincidence?
- - - - - - -
Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA's "Written By" magazine, is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing. Steve has a regular column at newsandopinion.com and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press). He can be reached at theeothersteveyoung@juno.com
(reprinted without permission)
by Steve Young
January 15, 2002 -- LOS ANGELES (TNFS/APJ) -- A spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle acknowledged the receipt of an envelope filled with salt, believed to be from a pretzel.
The envelope, addressed to the Senator's office, had a return address from Rold Gold Elementary School in Dutch Pennsylvania.
With no proof the salt actually comes from a pretzel, officials remain on high-alert, taking no chances. Senator Daschle's office will be closed down for the foreseeable future and the White House snack shop will remain off-limits to tourists.
Washington, D.C. post offices will shut down operations and, in a nod to caution, movie theaters throughout the country have discontinued sales of pretzels, popcorn, and other salt-laden foods. An AMC Theater insider said, "We might as well shut down completely. With no popcorn, how are we supposed to get the public to come in and watch the crap we show?"
Meanwhile, there have been reports of numerous pretzel salt hoaxes across the country.
Homeland Defense Chief Tom Ridge said that phony salt, fake pretzels, and other faux crispy snack treat terrorist threats will be handled as if it were an actual snack attack. "There is no difference between a real pretzel stick and one of those large fake rubber Philadelphia soft pretzels that squeak. Well, actually there is a pretty big difference, but there's no doubt you could choke on the fake ones, too."
Amplifying on President Bush's admonition that he should have listened to his mom and chewed before he swallowed, Ridge issued warnings to America "not to run with scissors, swim less than a half hour after eating, or 'do anything' that might create blindness in young boys."
NEXT WEEK'S COLUMN: Frito-Lay, Kenneth Lay...coincidence?
- - - - - - -
Steve Young, contributing editor at the WGA's "Written By" magazine, is a Prism Award winner and a Humanitas Prize nominee for his television writing. Steve has a regular column at newsandopinion.com and is author of the forthcoming book, "Great Failures Of The Extremely Successful" (Tallfellow Press). He can be reached at theeothersteveyoung@juno.com
(reprinted without permission)
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Date: 2002-01-15 08:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-01-15 08:11 pm (UTC)(I was going to say something about Col. Mustard, but it seemed too obvious...)
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Date: 2002-01-16 07:16 am (UTC)